A Neurodivergent Purim
This week is Purim, of course I'm looking for lessons about neurodivergence in this tale!
This week is Purim. A fun time full of festivities, carnivals, parties, and costumes. During Purim, we read from the Megillah, the book of Esther. But what is Purim really about? I grew up thinking it was one of those obscure holidays that didn't really have a deeper meaning than celebrating a strong female leader and how we were spared from genocide. But, Purim is so much more than that, as I've been learning.
Yes, Purim is all about girl power, celebrating Queen Esther. True. Yes, Purim is all about salvation, rescue, and heroism. True. Yes, Purim is about dressing up, having hamantaschen, and hosting lots of parties. True. But Purim is also about identity struggles, self-advocacy, and the fight against the inner critics of our minds. In fact, Purim has a lot of lessons for those of us struggling with the weight of being neurodivergent in a neurotypical/allistic world. Let's dive in.
Purim is a lesson about fitting in versus standing out, AKA masking.
The story of Esther starts with another queen, Queen Vashti. Vashti was asked to flaunt her beauty before the rulers of the land of Persia as the wife of King Achashverosh. She refused, which was blasphemy in the eyes of the king, and was essentially demoted. In his search for a new queen, he gathered all of the finest young women from the neighboring provinces. After a lengthy selection process (I'll spare you the details), a young Jewish girl from the village of Shushan is chosen - Esther. But instead of coming in proud and loud, Esther is warned by Mordeccai (her cousin/adopted dad) that she should not reveal her identity as a Jew because she could be targeted. Yup, even back then, there was antisemitism. So, she hides her identity and blends in with the other royals in the capital. But after Haman (boo!!!) threatens to kill all of her people, she can't stay hidden any longer and uses her position to negotiate for their lives.
I see this as an example of how masking is sometimes useful and sometimes unhealthy. People have a huge culture of mask-shaming because of how damaging masking has been for autistic individuals. Yet, in this instance, masking until the right time to unmask saved her life and all of the Jews in Persia (which was pretty much everybody). This is a good example of how timing, environment, and purpose are all useful in determining when you should mask versus unmask.
I think this is a great template for how to use masking to your advantage instead of allowing masking to hide your true personality and feelings. It's not always the time to be an activist and disclose your diagnosis to others. You're not any less for choosing not to do so. Sometimes, stimming and echololia can put you in danger in public spaces, and therapy and support to help you know when it is safe to stim is a good thing. Other times, sharing your story can help create change and impact people's lives. Just a good reminder that nothing is black and white (even though we like to think it is), and there's a time and place for everything.
Esther's "unmasking" of what made her different helped save her people, and she was not afraid to be herself. She bent rules (like appearing before the king unannounced), she stayed in community with her people, and she risked her personal image to save an entire nation. Talk about an unmasking win!
Purim is a lesson on self-advocacy.
The story of Queen Esther reveals that self-advocacy is an important skill to have. Esther used her skills of negotiation, hospitality, networking, and timing to get what she wanted, which was Haman gone and her people spared. Just think about what kind of negotiations and speeches she had to give. The kind of back and forth communication she had to participate in.
As an autistic woman, self-advocacy is crucial to my safety and health, especially when it comes to interacting with the healthcare system and getting support to live on my own, but it's extremely hard. People often discount what you say and make you feel dumb. I spent years being told my feelings were all in my head or "not a big deal," but I kept fighting and got diagnosed with dysautonomia and informed of the probability of PMDD. The story of Purim shows me that self-advocacy is hard, but it's important, nonetheless. We should not be afraid of being heard and taking up space, and we should not be afraid to leverage our networks to instigate change and inform people about our needs for ourselves and our communities. Esther was scared, of course. But she knew that not speaking up was more dangerous than speaking up because the only thing more dangerous for people in power than knowledge is ignorance. I can do the same as I advocate for myself and others to be treated fairly and taken seriously.
Hashem is hidden in plain sight.
The reason we dress up on Purim is to represent how Hashem is often hidden in plain sight in our world. Unlike the other stories from the Torah, like the Exodus and Hanukkah, Purim represents the times when Hashem is not overtly interacting or performing miracles amongst His people. But that does not mean He is absent. Purim teaches us that Hashem is involved in everything we do and everything we are, even things that seem miniscule and irrelevant to the larger picture. I mean, Hashem is not even mentioned in the story, not once.
Vashti's actions made Esther queen when her people needed her most. Esther's Jewish heritage was unknown long enough for her to become queen and save her people. Everything seems so random and uneventful. It might even seem unfair and unreasonable. I mean, she was taken away from everything she once knew to marry a man who was nowhere near her age and she'd never met. But Hashem was orchestrating it all for the benefit of Esther and our entire nation.
For us, it can seem like our lives hold little meaning. Like our mistakes, struggles, shortcomings, and daily tasks are insignificant. But this is not true. One reason why celebrating the small wins is important is because every small win is a small miracle hidden in plain sight. So when we are feeling down about not completing everything on our checklist or having a meltdown, we should think about the positives. Didn't get to the laundry? Did you get up and remember to eat breakfast today? Good, small miracle.
So, think about your own Esther story. Find the small miracles hidden in plain sight in your life. You'll be surprised how many of them you'll find.
Could We Be a Haman to Ourselves?
This is my favorite lesson from neurodivergent Purim. Of course, we know Haman was an evil and antisemitic man trying to commit genocide historically, but the Baal Shem Tov tells us that the story behind Haman goes deeper. The Talmud says, “If you read the story backwards, you haven’t read the story.” (Megillah 2a.) The Baal Shem Tov defines this as reading the Purim story as purely a story of historical meaning instead of present meaning. It says that Purim is not just about the Haman of yesterday but the Hamans of today that are embodied in the ideologies, leaders, and beliefs that push apathy, especially towards the Jewish people and the Jewish faith.
So, we can be Hamans in our own minds and in our own circles, embracing the inner critics that tell us our lives don't matter, or that we are failures, that Torah does not matter and is not relevant today, or that we will never be good enough for Hashem. That kind of attitude and these kinds of beliefs are what will endanger the people of Israel today. Because even with all we faced, and all the hatred for our people we have endured, we have always had hope for the future and unity together. That is what has helped us overcome every single threat we've faced.
I think about this lesson in terms of mental health, too. This idea of the modern Haman can be applied to our daily life, even if you're not religious. Dealing with rejection sensitivity dysphoria and intrusive thoughts, it's easy to think negatively about myself. It's easy to think that I have no worth, that I'm a failure, or that I'm stupid. It's easy to give up when I fail and drift away from the values that make me a good person. That's me being a Haman to myself. That's me introducing Haman back into the world. The way we fight the Hamans of today is to fight apathy and to fight against any and all forms of discrimination and self-hate (including internalized ableism) that have crept into our thoughts. Hashem sees the value in each of us, and our souls hold so much potential. What are we supposed to be adding to the world?
Conclusion
So, maybe none of us will be exactly like Queen Esther. But we can learn a lot from Purim about how to navigate life as a neurodivergent individual in a world that is not built for us. There's a time to unmask, and there's a time to mask. There's a time to self-advocate, and there's a time to stay silent. Learning how to navigate this confusing dynamic is a life-long journey, and we will make mistakes. But never be a Haman to yourself as you're on the journey. You deserve to take up space and you will figure it out.
Happy Purim!